After a week off, Bruna and Chris are back with a two part cliffhanger of an episode.  We talk you raw and make you walk funny, by the end of the show.  Enjoy and prepare thy self for next weeks conclusion.

This show mainly consists of listener questions and of course off topic jaunts and strolls through our collective ids.

Topics:

1) The Code:  Friends dating/doing your ex.  How long, if ever, is an acceptible amount of time.

2) 18 year old virgin worries about telling guys she is a virgin.  Is she crazy?  Yes.  Crazy sexy.

3)  What’s the difference between a M.I.L.F and a Cougar?  Lipstick!

4)  A listener has a few issues with Chris, but little does this listener know, Chris is already at issue capacity and cannot take on one more issue.  Sorry.

Why did I make the title this bulletin a Telly Savalas’ “Kojak” quote?  If you could answer that question, you know me better than I know myself.  Anyway, a new episode of the podcast should be up soon.  It is recorded, but still needs to be edited.

In the mean time, please enjoy this short film I did six years ago.  It is rough, but what it lacks in editing choices, it makes up in heart… or something like that, and besides – who doesn’t like ZOMBIES!  Plus it is way better than that new J.J. Abrams show “Fringe”. That show is a boring piece of shit.  Pacey can do soooo much better, am I right?  No need to respond, I know I am.

Enjoy!

…. but can also be fun to do, too.

There are lots of sites and articles on the web that will tell you when to break up, how to break up and how to get over being dumped. Just google “Breaking Up + Advice” and you will get slew of opinions on getting a “love pink slip” (which is way worse that getting to love a “pink slit”) and even halfway scientifical studies about the physical effects on the body of a person that has just been given the old “heave ho.”

So while there is no vacuum of information on breaking up, there isn’t much in the way of clever ideas for breaking up with someone. Sure, you could sit them down and pull out the tried but often true “it’s not you, it’s me” but that is worn, threadbare and only a retard would believe you. There is always “I’m gay” but then your partner runs into you at bar the next weekend and you’re three knuckles into some some chick (or dude, I don’t want to presume) and that particular jig is most certainly up. Ever broken up with someone over SMS? “Hey, U make me sick. F U dont evr call me again. I M banging UR BFF LOL” See how lame that is? You can’t frame a text message.

The worst thing about breaking up with someone is that it’s shitty and awkward because rarely does the other person see it coming. You just had a nice night together, he thinks that later he’s going to become a made laid man and next thing he knows he’s Joe Pesci in “The Goodfellas” not getting made but getting wacked (and not in the good way.)

Here is what I propose: Leave the cliches at home and break up with the person in a way that at least gives them a story to tell their friends later. Here’s what happens after the typical “girl breaking up with guy” exchange; the guy goes home calls up his friends, gets really drunk and shows them all the naked pictures you sent to him/let him take and then calls you a slut. But if this same lady would’ve broken it off with the guy in a way that’s at least interesting, then the outcome has the possibility to be way better.

I’ll give you a couple of examples:

A girl breaking up with a guy

1) Sit him down at this place, tell him it is over and there is nothing he will ever be able to do that will win you back. Then take him to his bedroom where you have already purchased an all expenses paid evening with a prostitute. Think of it as a parting gift, plus it will occupy him long enough so that you can get your toothbrush, brush and whatever other shit you might have been leaving at his place.

2) Hire a skywriter. “Dear Ted Brogan of Pasadena, California. I am breaking up with you because your gigantic penis was just to much for me. -April”

3) Dump him and then hand him a case really good imported beer. You cheep out and get Pabst and it won’t work.

4) Fill your vagina with maggots and then try to get him to go down on you. He’ll break up with you and everybody is happy. Actually no, that’s a bad idea, unless you want your new nickname to be “Maggot Vag.”

4) Tell him its over and then shoot him with paint balls until he cries and then call him a baby and leave (make sure to have a video camera running for insurance.)

5) Kill a hobo, clean him up and give him some nice clothes. Then take a Sharpie and write your breakup letter on the hobo’s shirt and then drop said “Hobo Letter” off a roof (at least three stories high) onto his car. Make sure you finish the letter with, “Please don’t try to contact me or talk shit about me to your friends or I’ll hunt you down and find you when it is time for me to end my next relationship.”

Guys breaking up with girls:

1)  If you can afford it, diamonds are always an acceptible parting gift.  Just make sure the CCC’s are good and you should be in the clear.

2)  The Seinfeldian approach:  “Suggest a ménage à trois between the both of you are her roomate/nemisis.  She might call you a pig, but soon she’ll realize that you weren’t the one anyway… or you get to have sex with two girls.  It’s win-win.

3) Tell her that your pregnant and don’t know who the mother is (she won’t believe you, but this might make her think you’re retarded and nobody wanted to date a retard.)

4)  Go 90210 on her ass and tell her that you think you are soul mates, but that you have to find the people that blew up your father and get back the money that your “family” swindled from you.  This could lead her getting trapped in a fire, getting addicted to drugs and joining a cult, though – so be carful.

5)  Sleep with her mother.

There you have it.  Ways to break up that are anything but cliché (well, except for the 90210 suggestion, but it makes up for it with style.)  Things are just more interesting when we throw out the tropes and add a little bit of fun.

Here’s a bonus suggestion for truly “metal” guys.  I know that it can be hard to be broken up with and can sometimes lead to depression and in extreme cases suicide.  If you are one of those guys and you know it, get help, but if you are beyond help and are determined to kill yourself, please skip the overly dramatic suicide note with Trent Rezner lyrics and screeds against the world.  It’s been done.  Instead, I would rent a helicopter and have the pilot fly over her house about 5am.  You write in permanent marker “I did this because of you.  My death is on your hands… forever” on your chest (get a friend to help if you are bad at writing on yourself) and then jump through her roof and try to land beside her bed.  That’s totally fuckin’ metal.  Ain’t nobody gonna call you a puss after that (but nobody is going to be calling you period, because your dead, jackass.)

Now go out there and break up with someone.  Come on, all the cool kids are doing it.