Written by Bruna

I figured I’d write about something that I’m not only very fond of, but refer to as one of society’s favorite pastimes. Masturbation. That one little word holds so much power. It’s like a little treasure chest of everything good you can feel- arousal, excitment, happiness, relief..who can beat that?

I remember way back when when masturbation talk was shunned. If you’re a girl who masturbated, you’re a slut. But then again, if you kissed a boy you were a slut too. Damned me in every way possible. Masturbating was a very new experience, I wasn’t sure if it was me going to the dark side, or finally finding heaven on earth. It was taboo and private. But geez, it was nice.

Obviously now being older, I have come to see that masturbation is very common and talked about by many. I had a whole class on it, and let me tell you- first class I paid 100% attention to. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have sex, and there is nothing wrong with the sex I have, but masturbation is like guaranteed satisfaction. You can do it on your own time schedule, you know exactly what spots to hit, you don’t have to get aggravated if you don’t cum- because it WILL happen.

I’m a very stressful person. I take on a lot of responsibility that sometimes I feel like slappin myself in the face. Instead, I rub one out. I do a little DJ session. Then, all the stress is gone. Like magic! Fuck all those pills and medical mumbo jumbo to make you happy, you have the answer right at your fingertips! LITERALLY!

I came across a website (http://www.coolnurse.com/masturbation.htm) all about everything you want to know about masturbation. After looking over the site, I read the “Masturbation Myths” and thought to myself “Wow, you’ve gotta be fuckin kidding me”, but since I’m a genuinely nice person who believes in educating others, I will share these with you in hopes of enlightening your thoughts of masturbation and debunking ridculous shit that people think will happen (I’m not judging you if you thought some of these were true).

Masturbation is not “real sex” and only losers masturbate.

Technically, okay, masturbation is not REAL sex. There is no penis/vagina action, the use of protection, or a chance of getting pregnant. The outcome can actually be better than sex! and fuck you, I’m not a loser. I masturbate regularly- as part of my healthy diet. Studies show that people who masturbate perform better sexually, so HA!

If you masturbate you will go blind, bald, grow hair on your hands, and/or get acne.

Seriously? Wtf is this? You’re fucking MASTURBATING. You’ll take a shitload of pills and other “hormones” but you won’t take your hand down south for some one on one go time? Silly. If you’re blind, bald, acne prone and have hairy hands- you’re just unlucky, its not because you masturbate.

Married couples or people in relationships don’t masturbate.

Wrong again. Actually, at times I prefer to do mutual masturbation. It’s fun, you please and get pleased, and you have a cuddle buddy after- if that’s your thing. Make a friend! Ask to mutual masturbate.

There are more myths on the site, along with facts, history, and whatever else you would want to know about masturbation, but those ones appealed to me the most.

So all in all, I think we can conclude that the key to happiness is, in most events, masturbation. That’s why I’m happy. Its a stress reliever, a lullaby, a boredom killer. It can function for many different purposes- SATISFACTION GUARANTEED.

If I could walk around with a board saying “Masturbate for happiness!” with a nice little cow bell, I would. But I can’t, because I have a reputation to uphold, so I’ll say this: Go masturbate. Indulge in the sensations and feelings that come during and after.

You just found the key to happiness.

Written by Chris

I know that this really isn’t about fucking, but it is about kids, and we all know how kids are made, if you don’t – I’ll sum it up real quick. It all begins when a boy lies and tells a girl he loves her, and then, if she isn’t too tired or on the rag, she lets said boy put his penis inside her vagina for between 15 seconds and 15 minutes.  After that boy “finishes” and leaves, 9 months later the girl has a baby and the boy orders a paternity test and both of their lives are forever ruined.

Now I know that some of you are thinking to yourselves, wow Chris, you are an asshole and really fuckin’ jaded.  If you were thinking that, you are correct.  I, in fact, am an asshole and am also completely fuckin’ jaded.  But does that make me incorrect?  According to that latest Newsweek  — Nope!  I was right.  

“Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,” says Florida State University’s Robin Simon, a sociology professor who’s conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households.